Why I marched in the World Pride 2019 Parade in New York City.
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| On the train from NJ to NYC |
I was a four-year-old tow-headed boy in a small town in Southwestern town in Colorado when the vibrant LGBTQA+ community in Greenwich Village lead by heroes like Sylvia Rivera and Marsha P. Johnson among other fought back against yet another police raid of the Stonewall Inn at the end of June 1969. Little did I know the impact this event would have on the movement that started in the 1950s by groups like Harry Hay’s Mattachine Society, One, Inc,, and Daughters of Bilitis (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stonewall_riots) or on myself.
In 1991 I was forced to resign my commission as an Army Officer while serving in Kuwait in the aftermath of Operation Desert Storm as a Division Liaison Officer with the 3rd Brigade of the 3rd Armored Division after confiding to an individual that I was gay. This was 4 years after my graduation from the United States Military Academy at West Point where I first began to understand that I was gay and what that meant in a broader perspective. This was also before the DADT (Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell) policy.
Having grown up in a Christian family in farming communities outside of that small town in Colorado I did not know or even understand why I felt different from my peers, I just knew I was different. I dated girls and had one or two girlfriends but being a devout Christian have sex was never discussed and allowed me to delay thinking about my sexuality. I honestly thought that once I met the right women then my sexual attraction to her would ‘miraculously’ appear. Also being semi-isolated in a farming community there were jokes about homosexuals but I was too busy playing sports, going to school and extracurricular activities that never thought that much about it. Also, I don’t remember any sermons denouncing the ‘gays’ or the gay lifestyles going to church in the early 1980s as that was something that was not thought to happen or exist where I lived.
The result was an extremely confused young man who did not even consider that the difference between him and peers was that he was sexually attracted to men. Don’t get me wrong there here hints and signs if I had more exposure to the same information that exists today but, it was not until my freshman year at West Point that I began to understand and put everything together, I was physically and emotionally attracted to other men. There were no examples of healthy gay men in popular culture, any hints of literature containing anything suggesting homosexuality was never discussed, and any mention was derogatory. I did not see how I fit into any description that I heard as I was athletic, had no fashion sense and tried to be the young man that you want your daughter to bring home.
If you want to understand how society viewed homosexuality while I was growing up in the 1970s (started kindergarten in the fall of 1969, graduated from high school in the spring of 1983 and graduated from West Point in 1987) watch these two videos from NBC Universal.
Gay Rights 1970s
Gay Rights 1980s
It was also during this time, I found out the prohibition against homosexuality in the Bible. So even at the beginning of my understanding of why I was different, I was also learning that my faith and my chosen career path the military both prohibited my sexuality. I quickly learned that I had to hide this aspect of my being from seeing that light of day. Even though sexuality is a small part of any individual any deviation from societal norm easily becomes amplified especially to those who are different. Having to hide that part of an individual results, in some significant issues.
“Closeted individuals frequently cannot acknowledge to themselves, let alone to others, their homoerotic feelings, attractions, and fantasies. Their homosexuality is so unacceptable that it must be kept out of conscious awareness and cannot be integrated into their public persona. Consequently, these feelings must be dissociated from the self and hidden from others.”
“It can be painful to keep significant aspects of the self hidden or to vigilantly separate aspects of the self from each other. Constant hiding creates difficulties in accurately assessing other people's perceptions of oneself, as well as recognizing one's own strengths. Dissociation's impact on self-esteem can also make it difficult to feel one's actual accomplishments as reflections of one's own abilities. Transparency, invisibility, losing one's voice, and being stuck behind walls or other barriers are some of the terms used to describe the subjective experience of dissociative detachment (Drescher, 1998).”
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| Start of the March |
Some of the results for the individual include:
While in the closet:
Internalized Homophobia
Body Image and Femininity Issues
Conflicting Pressures to be Masculine or Feminine
Overworking or Overcompensating to Prove Themselves to Heterosexuals and the World
Coming out for the First Time (And the Other Times)
After coming out:
Social Isolation and Anxiety
Discrimination
The Anxiety of Terror Attacks, Shootings and Hate Crimes Targeted at Gays
Bullying from Peers and Family Members
Their Families Don’t Understand or Accept Them
Dating Difficulties
Sexual Health Anxiety and HIV
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| The Oil Refinery in Southern Iraq |
I found myself emotional isolated with lots of free time so I started talking to the driver for our Air Force liaison officer. Over a couple of days, we spent a lot of time talking and sharing. Being two men in our twenties we eventually started talking about sex. He talked about heterosexual sex and I played along and it was difficult for me as I was attracted to him but knew nothing could happen. I became withdrawn and depressed as I had no one to turn too or talk too and he noticed. He perused the conversation asking me what was wrong and I finally told him that I was gay and sexually attracted to him. I told him I knew that nothing could happen and that he would not be interested. He was shocked but promised that the would not tell anyone. About a month later the Criminal Investigation Division (CID) came and started an investigation. At this point, I was very tired of trying to hide this aspect of my life and as a result, was forced to resign in 1992. I also told the Brigade Chaplain (a generous Catholic priest) that I was considering suicide. The result was returning to Germany as a psychiatric patient before being released back to my original unit.
My memory is not perfect as discussed later, but I think I am remembering correctly, that the first gay pride parade that I ever attended was the 25th-anniversary Gay Pride Parade in New York City in 1994. Having recently come out this event had a huge impact on me as for the first time I did not feel like I was alone. But it did not resolve the empty feeling of feeling like I let down my school, my country, faith, and family. I know that might sound like a lot of pressure on a single individual but this was part of the overcompensation that I felt. I was still dealing with the fear, anger, denial, paranoia, self-loathing, and guilt in addition to the idea that my Other Than Honorable discharge would follow me for the rest of my life.
Fortunately, it did not but I received notification from the Department of the Army that during my service in the Persian Gulf, besides being located close to the burning oil wells I was potentially exposed to low levels of nerve agents from the destruction of biological and chemical weapons. I have been reluctant to go to the Veterans Administration as my discharge status does not grant any benefits even though I am supposed to be able to get medical help for incidents during service. https://www.va.gov/healthbenefits/resources/publications/IB10-448_other_than_honorable_discharges5_17.pdf The problem is that it is not easy as this article indicates. https://www.npr.org/2013/12/09/249342610/other-than-honorable-discharge-burdens-like-a-scarlet-letter I bring this up because as previously mentioned I have some of the worst long term memory of anyone I know. Especially after my service. I had a friend through a large birthday party for me that I do not remember. If it was not for the pictures and my partner I would not be able to remember the trips to Venice, Vienna, Prague, Florence and Rome that we have taken, but I don't remember the dates or even the year the trips took place. But those were not the primary reasons I was looking to upgrade my discharge as I will discuss later.
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| Modern Military Association of America picture from MMAA |
For the longest time, I felt that the country and the Army did and do not recognize my service to the country. After the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, I had hoped that my discharge could be upgraded. After two years of trying to get my service records and having them reviewed by the Modern Military Association of America lawyers the Wednesday before World Pride if found out that they do not think that I will be able to get my discharge upgraded as the facts behind the discharge have not changed. They could not find any of their legal contacts to take on my case because the facts were so bad. This caused a severe bought of depression that lasted a couple of days. Apparently, all of the emotional and psychological factors involved in having to hide my sexuality that led to my actions to express my sexuality and my excellent service records do not matter from a legal perspective. It is hard to accept that I will never receive recognition for my service to my country that I love and swore to protect. It is harder to accept that I will not be allowed to have my ashes interred at a school I hold most dear, as this was the main reason I was looking to upgrade my discharge. A new columbarium was completed in 2014 to allow an additional 5832 niches to hold the remains of graduates and other people who qualify to be interned at the West Point Cemetery along with my ultimate Commander during the Persian Gulf War General Norman Schwarzkopf, Gemini 4 and Apollo 1 astronaut LTC Edward White II and other notable graduates. The problem is that the by-laws of the Association of Graduates requires that my service ended honorably. Without the ability to upgrade my discharge my ashes can not be interred at West Point because I was forced to hide my sexuality.
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| Marching in the parade |
This brings me back to the headline of this post. Twenty-five years later I am at a different position in my life. I have wonderful close personal relationships and family that love and support me. I have a great job with an outstanding biopharmaceutical company that turns plasma donations into life-saving drugs for rare and debilitating blood diseases as part of their portfolio. I have a plan for the next steps in my life as I try to grow older gracefully. I also went to my second ever Gay Pride Parade in New York City for World Pride 2019 on June 30, 2019. I marched in the parade carrying the banner for the Modern Military Association of America group and for the first time a group of Americans and other people recognized my service and thanked me for my service.
I want to thank the World Pride 2019 organization, New York City and everyone who remained on the parade route for 5+ hours after the start of the parade for your warmth and acceptance.
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